Translating

Translating Women's English


Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

Translating Men's English


I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then
you'd like to have sex with me

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.

Racial truths

 10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people wont admit


 1. Elvis is dead.
 2. Jesus was not white.
 3. Rap music is here to stay.
 4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
 5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
 6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
 7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
 8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
 9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
 10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.



 10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people wont admit



 1. Hickeys are not attractive.
 2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
 3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
 4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
 5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
 6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
 7. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
 8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
 9. Mami & Papi cant possibly be the nickname of every person in your 
    Family.
 10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.



 10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people wont admit


 1. O.J. Did it.
 2. Tupac is dead.
 3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
 4. Weddings should start on time.
 5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
 6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
 7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, its a color.
 8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
 9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
 10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

Women's Wisdom

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs..

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like..."You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" ......Now... I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen witch.....do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are : eating too much,impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day

Racial Truths

(Something for everybody)

 

 10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people wont admit

 1. Elvis is dead.
 2. Jesus was not white.
 3. Rap music is here to stay.
 4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
 5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
 6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
 7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
 8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
 9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
 10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

 10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people wont admit

 1. Hickeys are not attractive.
 2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
 3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
 4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
 5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
 6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
 7. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
 8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
 9. Mami & Papi cant possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
 10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people wont admit

 1. O.J. did it.
 2. Tupac is dead.
 3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
 4. Weddings should start on time.
 5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
 6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
 7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, its a color.
 8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
 9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
 10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

The-Coolest-Toilets

ULTIMATE TRUTH

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~* *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock!

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.


The road to success..... ... is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk ..

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the ! desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.


Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich..... which never works.

If at first you don't succeed.... Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.


Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****

As soon as you mention something... ... if it is good, it is taken.... If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.


If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late...... the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.


If you have paper, you don't have a pen....... If you have a pen, you don't have paper...... if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.


All PMT buses are crowded.
Corollary--- -- PMT buses in opposite direction always go empty.


The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non- smoker ............ ...

n i d o k i d o s

Job Jokes

* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
*
* If you can stay calm, while all around you are in chaos
...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
*
* If at first you don't succeed, try management.
*
* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
*
* TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
*
* We waste time, so you don't have to.
*
* Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
*
* Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
*
* A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
*
* INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
*
* Succeed in spite of management.
*
* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
*
* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

~~~IdiOt awarDs~~~

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D I 0 T

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK:
n i d o k i d o s I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile n i d o k i d o s dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Cool designer cakes

What's BEHIND the Bush

Died: Nov 2, 2004
On Election Day 2004 the United States of America was effectively murdered by conservatives who thought starting a Culture War was more important than doing what was right for the country.

Proud to be a Liberal American Liberal has become a dirty word. Why? Because the Left let the right wing conservatives get away with warping it that way. No longer. Take "Liberal" back and give it back its proud heritage!

Chooooo Chweet