Aparente

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb
all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know.
[jims-best]

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb
all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know.
[jims-best]

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay Old folk's homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

New Drugs

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
[jims-best]

dark in here

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I ca n't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
[jims-best]

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English -Thank a soldier!

Funniest School Excuse Notes!

These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.
7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part.
8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.

'' HEART AND SOUL''!....

I saw you again today,
And my feelings, I can't control,
The feelings that I have for you,
Fill up my Heart and Soul...
Every word you speak to me,
I treasure deep inside,
And I feel my LOVE grow stronger,
A LOVE I no longer can hide,
Every little touch you give,
Makes my Heart beat out of control,
And no one knows these feelings,
except my HEART and SOUL.......

Luv is beauTiful ...

English signs in foreign countries

English signs in foreign countries

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

"LADIES

ARE REQUESTED

NOT TO HAVE

CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

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At a Budapest zoo:

"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.

IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD,

GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY."

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Doctors' office, Rome:

"SPECIALIST

IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

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Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

"DROP

YOUR TROUSERS HERE

FOR THE BEST RESULTS."

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In a Nairobi restaurant:

"CUSTOMERS

WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES

RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

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On an Indian river highway:

"TAKE NOTICE -

WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,

THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

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In a City restaurant:

"OPEN

SEVEN DAYS A WEEK

AND WEEKENDS."

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A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

"DO NOT

ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

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In a cemetery:

"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED

FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY,

BUT THEIR OWN,GRAVES."

>------------------------------------------------------------------

Tokyo hotel's rules ad regulations:

"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED

NOT TO SMOKE

OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED."

------------------------------------------------------------------

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

"OUR WINES

LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:

"SPECIAL COCKTAILS

FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

"THE FLATTENING OF

UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE

IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:

"YOU ARE INVITED

TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT

THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS,

ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN

ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE

THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX,

FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN,

LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER

FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:

"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY

OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT

THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

ttp://www.nidokidos.org"> Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

ttp://www.nidokidos.org">

ttp://www.nidokidos.org">

ttp://www.nidokidos.org">In the window on a Swedish furrier:

"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:

"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:

"LADIES,

LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE

AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

Gemstone Pendants

When Life Was In Black & White

Butterscotch Pudding

INGREDIENTS:

3/4 c. Light brown sugar

3 egg yolks

3 heaping tbsp. Flour

2 c. Milk

DIRECTIONS:

Cream sugar and egg yolks. Add flour to make paste. Then add

Milk a little at a time until well blended. Cook over medium

Heat, stirring constantly until roll boil and thick. Remove

From heat and cool. Add butter the size of walnut and stir

Until well blended.

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BUTTERSCOTCH PUDDING CAKE

If you're feeling up to a little challenge, turn your

Butterscotch pudding into a cake by following this recipe:

1 (3 3/4 oz.) pkg. Butterscotch pudding

2 c. Milk

1 pkg. Yellow cake mix

1 pkg. Butterscotch morsels

1/2 c. Chopped nuts

Prepare pudding with milk as directed on package; cool. Stir

Into cake mix and blend well. Pour into greased and floured

13"x9"x2" cake pan. Sprinkle with butterscotch morsels and

Chopped nuts. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 35 minutes.

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Coconut-Spice Bars

Coconut-Spice Bars

Ingredients
Batter:
1 package (18.25 ounces) spice cake mix
1/2 cup butter, at room temperature
1 large egg
1/4 cup milk
Frosting:
1-1/2 cups sugar
1 can (12 ounces) evaporated milk or evaporated skim milk
3/4 cup butter, cut into pieces
5 large egg yolks
3 cups sweetened flake coconut (from 14-ounce bag)
1-1/2 cups pecans, chopped
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

Directions
1. Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Coat 15 x 10 x 1-inch baking pan with
nonstick cooking spray.

2. Batter: In large bowl, mix together cake mix, butter, egg and milk.
Beat until thick but smooth, 2 minutes. Spread in prepared pan.

3. Bake in 350 degree F oven until toothpick inserted in center of cake
comes clean, 18 to 20 minutes. Let cake cool in pan on a wire rack.

4. Frosting: Meanwhile, in medium-size saucepan, stir together sugar,
evaporated milk, butter and egg yolks. Bring to simmer over medium heat,
stirring constantly; simmer, stirring, until thickened, about 1 minute.
Remove from heat. Stir in coconut, pecans, cinnamon and cloves.

5. Pour frosting over lightly cooled bar; smooth frosting to edges of
pan. Let cool completely, about 2 hours. Cut into 36 bars and serve
immediately. Or store bars in airtight container at room temperature for
up to 3 days. Makes 32 bars.

Crunchy Chicken Strips

Crunchy Chicken Strips

Ingredients
Nonstick cooking spray
2-1/2 cups crushed bite-size cheddar fish-shaped crackers or pretzels
2/3 cup bottled buttermilk ranch salad dressing
1 lb. Chicken breast tenderloins
Bottled buttermilk ranch salad dressing

Directions
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Line a 15x10x1-inch baking pan with foil;
Lightly coat foil with cooking spray. Set aside.

In a shallow dish place the crushed crackers. In another shallow dish
Place the ranch dressing. Dip chicken tenderloins into the dressing,
Allowing excess to drip off; dip into cracker crumbs to coat. Arrange
Chicken in prepared pan.

Bake for 10 to 15 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink (170
Degrees F). If desired, serve with additional ranch dressing. Makes 4
Servings

Quicker Crunchy Chicken Strips: Prepare as above, except use one
10-ounce package of cooked refrigerated chicken breast strips instead of
The chicken breast tenderloins and bake only 5 to 8 minutes or until
Heated through.

You Learn To Amuse Yourself

When Your Owner Lives Online

Beautiful pictures

U and I..... forever

Time is of the essence
Whenever you are near
Hearts are joined in happiness
With love we feel sincere

Dancing on an ocean
Or floating in the air
Experience we treasure
In our endless love affair

You are always with me
Within your heart I stay
Vowed to love each other
We capture every day

So stay with me my darling
Until the sun is gone
Within the dawn a certainty
Our love will carry on.

Girlz Wallpapers

Picking Your Nose

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back
the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Da Speaka no English..adult language

A bus stops and two men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
"Emma come first
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pigs,"
she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man."Who sa talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Drunks

You've Got To Love Drunk Peolple.....

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud Pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, Standing In the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out There!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the Pounding Rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

LAYERED CHOCOLATE BARS

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INGREDIENTS:
1-1/2 c. finely crushed thin pretzels
3/4 c. (1-1/2 sticks) butter or margarine, melted
1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk (not evaporated milk)
4 bars (4 oz) Unsweetened Baking Chocolate, broken into pieces
2 c. Campfire miniature marshmallows
1 c. Mounds Sweetened Coconut

Flakes
1 c. coarsely chopped pecans
4 bars (4 oz) Semi-Sweet Baking Chocolate, broken into pieces
1 Tbsp. shortening

DIRECTONS:

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Combine pretzels and melted butter in small bowl; press evenly into
bottom of 13x9-inch baking pan. Place sweetened condensed milk and unsweetened chocolate in small microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at HIGH 1 to 1-1/2 minutes or until mixture is melted and smooth when stirred. Pour over pretzel layer in pan. Top with marsh-mallows, coconut and pecans; press firmly down onto chocolate layer. Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until lightly browned; cool completely in pan on wire rack.

Melt semi-sweet chocolate and shortening in small microwave-safe bowl at HIGH for 1 minute or until melted when stirred; drizzle over entire top. Refrigerate 15 minutes or until set. Cut into bars.

SO MUCH CHOCOLATE...SO LITTLE TIME:

Depending on what is added to (or removed from) the chocolate liquor, different flavors and varieties of chocolate are produced. Each has a different chemical make-up, the differences are not solely in the taste. Be sure, therefore, to use the kind the recipe calls for, as different varieties will react differently to heat and moisture.

* Unsweetened or Baking chocolate is simply cooled, hardened chocolate liquor. It is used primarily as an ingredient in recipes, or as a garnish.

* Semi-sweet chocolate is also used primarily in recipes. It has extra cocoa butter and sugar
added. Sweet cooking chocolate is basically the same, with more sugar for taste.

* Milk chocolate is chocolate liquor with extra cocoa butter, sugar, milk and vanilla added. This is the most popular form for chocolate. It is primarily an eating chocolate.

* Cocoa is chocolate liquor with much of the cocoa butter removed, creating a fine powder. It
can pick up moisture and odors from other products, so you should keep cocoa in a cool, dry place, tightly covered.

* White chocolate is somewhat of a misnomer. In the United States, in order to be legally called 'chocolate' a product must contain cocoa solids. White chocolate does not contain these solids, which leaves it a smooth ivory or beige color. Real white chocolate is primarily cocoa butter, sugar, milk and vanilla.

There are some products on the market that call themselves white chocolate, but are made with vegetable oils instead of cocoa butter. Check the label to avoid these cheap imitations. White
chocolate is the most fragile form of chocolate; pay close attention to it while heating or melting it.

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The MUNSTERS

JUST A LITTLE~THE BEAU BRUMMELS~

Fastest cars of 2006

Get behind the wheel of a supercar and you'll have to redefine your idea of a fast car. On top of the fastest car class of 2006 is the 2006 Bugatti Veyron - an extreme machine with a top speed of more than 250 MPH which we have featured in March. Here is a list of the other nine fastest cars based on the quickest acceleration time.

Most of the vehicles on this list achieve these out-of-the-world speeds through a marvellous combination of high engine power and low vehicle weight. Some heavy vehicles, such as the 4,299-pound Veyron, still maintain a high power-to-weight ratio due to their massive engine output - the Bugatti supercar's 8.0-litre W16 produces 1,001 HP, which works out to 4.3 lb/HP.

All of the vehicles mentioned here can vroom from stationary to 60 MPH in four seconds, or less.

Jet car: 2006 Bugatti Veyron 16.4

Rank: 1

0-to-60 MPH/0-to-100 kmh acceleration time: 2.5 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 4.3 lb/HP

Engine specs: 8.0-litre W16; 1,001 HP

Price: $1,357,000

The Veyron 16.4 could knock the leaves off of trees as it powers to top speeds faster than any other street-legal production car in the world. This is the most powerful and fastest car period. And it boasts of the maximum horsepower to prove it.

Just for perspective, this carbon-fiber-bodied, aerodynamic machine has about twice the power that of a Chevrolet Corvette Z06, or a Dodge Viper SRT 10. With a computer-controlled, seven-speed direct shift gearbox, sequential-manual transmission power is propelled into all four wheels. Because the 2006 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 was not adjusted by an aftermarket tuner, it is the first street-legal vehicle to come directly from the factory.

When the Veyron 16.4 reaches a speed higher than 137 MPH, hydraulics will lower the car to a minimal 3.5 inches above the road and a rear wing will deploy.Both the wing and the hydraulics are essential in order to generate enough aerodynamic down-force to keep the car from flying away at such extreme speed.

Cheetah on wheels: 2006 Saleen S7

Rank: 2

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 2.8 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 3.9 lb/HP

Engine specs: 7.0-litre V8; 750 HP

MSRP: $585,000

Barely missing the No. 1 spot by 0.3 seconds, the S7 is still a muscular cheetah on wheels. This hand-built supercar can even drive upside down! It will not only turn heads, but it will ruffle hair as the S7's turbocharged 750-HP engine roars to life. After receiving a 200-HP power boost in 2005, this lightweight sportscar can now outrace close competitors like the 2007 Lamborghini Murci?lago LP640.

The thunderous S7 is a two-seat, sans-airbags missile. It is race-inspired with a cockpit-like interior, allowing for snug sport seats that feel a bit cramped. The S7 is equipped with features such as a DVD player and a rearview video monitor to compensate for the lack of a large rear window.

Old war horse: 2006 Ford GT

Rank: 3

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 3.3 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 6.3 lb/HP

Engine specs: 5.4-litre V8; 550 HP

Price: $149,995

The Ford GT is an intimidating beast with an incredible acceleration time and a vintage racing look that is still completely modern. This vehicle marks the 40th anniversary of the original Ford GT race car beating the world's best in endurance racing at Le Mans in 1966.

The 2006 version is a unique reinterpretation of the original. A special Limited Edition exterior colour, Tungsten Grey, is offered to commemorate the 1966 victory. Similar to the 2005 Ford GT, the 2006 version boasts a 550-HP V8 engine, yet it shaved 0.4 seconds off its acceleration time. This car may be intended for the road, but it has race-like qualities, not unlike the original.

The GT will cease production in September this year and will soon be replaced by the Shelby GT500. This ultra-high-performance sports car is built on an aluminum space-frame chassis with super-plastic-formed aluminum body panels. The supercharged V8 engine produces 550 pound-feet of torque and the six-speed manual transmission delivers power to the rear wheels.

Italian bull: 2007 Lamborghini Murcielago LP640

Rank: 4

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 3.4 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 5.7 lb/HP

Engine specs: 6.5-litre V12; 640 HP

Price: $350,000

Set to make an entry in India through Exclusive Motors, this sleek, mean machine - named after the fighting bull - is the newest evolution of the Lamborghini Murcielago, replacing last year's coupe. The massive V12 engine located behind the cockpit blasts this bull to 62 MPH in 3.4 seconds. This powerful beast looks like a futuristic version of the 2006, with a large spoiler underneath the aggressive front bumper and a redesigned rear diffuser.

This Italian supercar has a permanent all-wheel-drive system with electronic traction control. The LP640 has a six-speed manual transmission along with an electronically controlled adaptive suspension.

With the signature steel scissor doors, the LP640 also brags striking carbon-fiber body panels and a steel roof that is lined with quilted leather upholstery, as are the door inserts and seats.

Bomber, recharged: 2007 Porsche 911 Turbo

Rank: 5

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 3.4 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 7.3 lb/HP

Engine specs: 3.6-litre boxer-six; 480 HP

Price: $122,990

The new 2007 Porsche 911 Turbo is quick, but you have to add the optional Tiptronic S five-speed automatic transmission to make the car race to 60 MPH in 3.4 seconds. The 2007 model has a few style updates on the front and rear that make this sporty racer almost futuristic.

This sixth generation of the 911 models, the 2007 911 Turbo, has a new electronically controlled multidisc clutch, the standard six-speed manual transmission or the optional five-speed automatic transmission as well as an optional ceramic-composite brake system.

The 911 Turbo's 3.6-litre boxer-six engine produces 480 HP, which is 60 HP more than its predecessor, raising the output to an all-time high of 133 HP per litre. This engine's torque curve is even more impressive with peak torque rising to 457 pound-feet and spanning a range from 1,900 to 5,000 RPM.

Curious supercar: 2007 Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano

Rank: 6

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 3.7 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 6.0 lb/HP

Engine specs: 6.0-litre V12; 620 HP

Talk of Top 10 fastest and no mention of Ferrari? Not possible. However, a Ferrari figures only at No. 6. Taking the place of the 575M Maranello, the GTB Fiorano coupe has a mid-front V12 engine derived from the Enzo Ferrari supercar. With a top speed of 205 MPH, the six-speed manual transmission produces 620 HP. An all-aluminum construction technology encompasses the body and the chassis of the GTB.

This pure sports car is built similar to the 575M that it is replacing and is aerodynamic to reach extreme performance levels and can rocket from zero to 60 MPH in 3.7 seconds. The exterior looks aggressive and elegant at the same time, making this Ferrari an exquisite vehicle.
Light, mean GM: 2006 Chevrolet Corvette Z06

Rank: 7

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 3.7 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 6.2 lb/HP

Engine specs: 7.0-litre V8; 505 HP

Price: $65,690

The exotic Chevrolet Corvette offers an even hotter variant, the Z06, which is the most affordable race-inspired car you could own. Coming in at No. 7 on our list, this car cannot be forgotten. The Z06 resembles the C6-R race car and is a "fastback" with a rear hatch, which makes it more aerodynamic, like a racing car.

The Z06's hand-built LS7 aluminum-block V8 engine contains racing-derived components such as an eight-quart dry-sump lubrication system and titanium connecting rods. This affordable muscle car also has a six-speed manual transmission and four-wheel disc anti-lock brakes. Weighing 49 pounds less than the standard Corvette coupe, the Z06 has a curb weight of 3,130 pound.

Classy act: 2006 Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren

Rank: 8

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 3.8 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 5.6 lb/HP

Engine specs: 5.5-litre V8; 671 HP

Price: $450,000

This year's McLaren has wings that fly it to a top speed of 200 MPH. With only 500 of these vehicles hand-built each year, they sell out very quickly. The 722 is an homage by Mercedes-Benz to the memorable victory won by British racing legend Stirling Moss and his co-driver Dennis Jenkinson in a Mercedes-Benz 300 SLR at the Mille Miglia in 1955.

The SLR McLaren comes with a supercharged 5.5-litre V8 engine, dry-sump lubrication, carbon-fiber reinforced, lightweight ceramic brakes and a body shell and chassis that are fully made of high-strength carbon fiber, normally used only in racing cars.This Formula One-inspired racer has an arrow-shaped nose and a twin-fin front spoiler.
>Speed demon: 2006 Dodge Viper SRT 10 Coupe

Rank: 9

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 3.8 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 6.9 lb/HP

Engine specs: 8.3-litre V10; 500 HP

Price: $86,995

This new companion to the SRT 10 Convertible has an 8.3-litre V10 engine that hisses out 500 HP and 525 pound-feet of torque. This hardtop version of the Viper has double bubbles for added headroom and carves a menacing profile.

Although the current-generation models are much improved in terms of ride and handling from the roadster that debuted in 1992, the Viper is still a lot to handle - especially at high speeds.Fortunately, the car's massive brake rotors (14 inches in diameter) with anti-lock capability do their part to scrub speed and add a measure of safety.

Turnaround specialist: 2006 Ferrari F430 Spider

Rank: 10

0-to-60 MPH acceleration time: 4.0 seconds

Power-to-weight ratio: 6.8 lb/HP

Engine specs: 4.3-litre V8; 490 HP

Price: $187,927

This exotic head-turner had a two-year-long waitlist before the first model arrived in the US in summer of 2005.One look at this luscious piece of art on wheels reveals why. The low-slung F430 convertible's body was designed to be more curvaceous and aerodynamic than the 360 model that it replaced.

The F430 Spider comes with a metal-gated six-speed manual transmission; however, you can purchase the optional F1 transmission for an extra $10,740. This sequential-manual gearbox acts like a manual transmission, but doesn't require a clutch pedal or stick shift in order to change gears.

The F430 makes an appearance in the film Miami Vice.

GRE Vs Normal

GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in
vitreous edifices would be advised to
refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.
A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses
should not throw stones.
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid
minim.
NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with
resplendence are not truly auriferous.
NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must
be interdicted.
NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of
rendering any testimony.
NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.
NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate
accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic
plant.
NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical
plumage tend to congregate.
NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous
profundity.
NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is
contiguous to rectitude.
NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of
precipitately departed lactile fluid.
NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to
indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative
maneuvers.
NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new
tricks
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate
cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal
cachinnation.
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous
chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion
renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a
dull boy.
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours
having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous
materials, there is conflagration.
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
[nidokidos]

Blind wal-mart clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

[jims-best]

Long distance friend....

Long Distance Friend
I've a warm and friendly feeling
As I think of you today,
And I wish that we could visit,
But you're many miles away.

Separated by such distance,
Yet your letters bring you near,
Through the miles we share a friendship
That's become to me most dear.

Friends through correspondence only,
Still your face I need not see,
For your soul shines through the pages
Every time you write to me!

Your special way of writing,
Warming as the sunshine rays,
Brings joy and inspiration,
And brightens up my days.

You've enriched my life, my dear friend,
And I hope God wills we meet,
Friendship's Road is so much nicer
Traveling with one so sweet!

If Airlines Were Based on Operating Systems

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing nonstop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on.

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth takeoff. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

? L.u.c.c.h.a?

[nidokidos]

the best wallpapers

Women's thoughts on Men

Funnel Cak

1 cup water
3/4 stick butter (6 tablespoons)
1 tablespoon sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup flour
1 cup eggs, about 4 large eggs and 2 whites
Vegetable oil, for frying
Powdered sugar, for topping

Boil water, butter, sugar, and salt together in a saucepan. Add flour and work it in until it is all incorporated and dough forms a ball. Transfer mixture to the bowl of a standing mixer and let cool for 3 to 4 minutes. With mixer lowest speed, add eggs, 1 at a time, making sure the first egg is completely incorporated before continuing. Once all eggs have been added and mixture is smooth, put dough in a piping bag fitted with a number 12 tip. Heat about 1 1/2 inches of oil in a heavy pan. Pipe dough into oil, making a free-form lattice pattern; cook until browned, flipping once. Remove cake from oil, drain on paper towels, and top with powdered sugar. Continue until all of the batter is used.

Halloween Recipe - Chocolate Covered Spider Legs

Chocolate Covered Spider Legs

1 pkg. butterscotch chips
1 pkg. chocolate chips
1 can chow mein noodles
1 cup peanuts

Melt chocolate and butterscotch chips in a double boiler or
microwavable container. Stir in chow mein noodles and peanuts.
Place small scoops of mixture on a wax paper covered cookie
sheet. Place in fridge or outside in cooler weather. Cookies
will harden up. Store in airtight container. ENJOY! (Makes a
lot)

Variation You can use white and butterscotch chips and make into
nests for Easter time, along with green tinted coconut and jelly
beans.

Recipe Sweet Potato Casserole

Sweet Potato Casserole

Ingredients:

4 medium sweet potatoes, peeled, cooked (about 1-3/4 pounds)
1/2 to 1 cup fat-free sour cream
1 teaspoon vanilla
5-1/2 teaspoons Equal? for Recipes or 18 packets Equal? sweetener or 3/4 cup Equal? Spoonful
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 cup coarsely chopped pecans (optional)

Instructions:

Mash sweet potatoes with potato masher or beat with electric mixer until smooth. Mix in remaining ingredients, except pecans. Spoon sweet potato mixture into ungreased 1-quart casserole or souffle dish; sprinkle with pecans. Bake, uncovered, at 350?F until hot throughout, about 30 minute

BROWN SUGAR PIE SNACK

2-)9inch) frozen unbaked pie crust 2-tbsp. Brown sugar 2-tbsp.reg. Sugar 1/2-cup raisins
1-1/2-cup ground cinnamon 1/2-cup pecan pieces

1)-Thaw crust at room temp. & roll each out on a lightly floured surface.
2)-Place (1) crust on an ungreased cookie sheet.
3)-Combine sutgars, raisins & pecan pieces & spread over crust.
4-Sprinkle the cinnamon on top.
5)-Place the other crust on top & seal the edges with a fork.
6)-Bake at 400* for 11 minutes or until lightly browned.
7)-Remove from oven & COOL
8)-Slice into triangle shapes (Makes 8 Pieces)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GRAPE-STRAWBERRY POPSICLES

1-cup grape juice 1-(10oz)-pkg.strawberries (thawed) 2-tbsp. Corn syrup
6-(3oz) paper cups 6-wooden popsicle sticks

1)-Place the first (3) ingredients into a blender & blen until smooth.
2)-Pour mixture evenly into each cup & cover with plastic wrap.
3)-Place in freezer for (1) hour, then place the sticks in the center of each popsicle
4)-Place back into freezer & freeze until ready to use.
5)-Remove from freezer & peel off the paper cups & enjoy (Makes 6 popsicle)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RAINBOW CHIP OATMEAL BARS

3-sticks butter 1-1/2-cups brown sugar 1-cup reg. Sugar 2-Eggs 1-tsp. Salt
1-tbsp. Vanilla 3-1/4-cups flour 1-cup oatmeal 2-tsp. Baking soda
12oz. Pkg M&M's

1)-Preheat oven to 350*
2)-Cream butter & sugars until light & fluffy.
3)-In a separate bowl, combine the eggs, vanilla, flour, oatmeal baking soda & salt.
4)--Add M&M's & mix through the dough.
5)- spread dough onto an ungreased 11x17 inch pan
6)-Bake at 350* for 25--30 minutes or until light golden brown.
7)-Cool in pan & then cut into squares. (Makes 32 Bars)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CRISPY BAKED CHICKEN

1-cup flour 1-cup salt 1-tsp. Paprika 1-tsp. Pepper 1-cup milk 6-chicken legs

1)-In a large plastic bag, combine flour, salt, pepper & paprika & shake to mix.
2)-One at a time; dip each leg in the milk & then place in the bag.
3)-Shake the bag to coat all pieces OS chicken & gently shake off excess flour mixture.
4)-Place each piece on a well greased baking pan.
5)-Bake at 375* for (1) hour or until chicken is crispy & tender (Makes 6 pieces)

Recipe Patchwork Apple Pie With Walnuts

PATCHWORK APPLE PIE (WITH WALNUTS)
MAKES: 12 SERVINGS

7 apples
1/2 cup raisins
3/4 cup plus 1 tbs sugar
1 stick unsalted butter
1 egg
1 1/2 cups flour
1 tbs heavy cream
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 cup chopped walnuts

HEAT OVEN TO 375?. Peel and slice the apples. Cover the bottom of a 9 inch pie plate with apple slices and sprinkle with raisins. In bowl, beat 3/4 cup sugar and butter 5 min. Or until fluffy. Add egg and 1 1/2 cups flour and mix to form dough. Sprinkle work surface with flour. Turn dough out onto surface, roll the dough into a crust. Cut the crust into 2 inch squares and lay these over apples to create a patchwork effect. Brush with the cream. In bowl, stir together remaining sugar, cinnamon and walnuts. Sprinkle over the crust and bake 15 min. LOWER THE OVEN TEMP TO 350? and bake 35 min. Longer, or until crust is golden brown. SERVE WARM OR AT ROOM TEMP WITH A SCOOP OF VANILLA ICE CREAM.*

Biscuit

Buttermilk biscuits..(Just like Kentucky Fried Chicken)

I rolled mine 1 " I thought it was a taller better Biscuit..

Serves: 6 Buttermilk Biscuits
Ready In: Under 30 minutes

Ingredients:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 Tbs baking powder
3/4 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon salt
6 Tbs lard
Directions:
Sift the dry ingredients in a large bowl.
Cut in the lard with a pastry cutter or with two knives until a coarse texture is obtained.
Add buttermilk and knead gently but thoroughly.
The dough should be soft but not sticky: if it is, add a little more flour.
Knead for 1 minute, wrap in foil or wax paper and refrigerate for at least 20 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.
Roll out the dough 1/2 inch thick on a lightly floured surface and cut with a biscuit cutter. (If you don?t have one, a cup with the desired diameter will work.)
Transfer biscuits to a dark baking sheet and bake until golden brown, 10-12 minutes

[jims-best]

laffs....

Q: How do you know you're really ugly?
A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and
Car!

Q. What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
A. You can enjoy all but the head.

Q. What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
A. They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

Q. What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man? A. They
Both get hot in 15 seconds.

Q. Why can't a man be both good looking and intelligent?
A. That would make him a woman.

Q. Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
A. Because it is swollen.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive end.

First Pet_

The children begged for a hamster and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
A Thingos Presentation ? Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat-Compilation Copyright ? wacky wits.com
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time, we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
A Thingos Presentation ? Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat-Compilation Copyright ? wacky wits.com
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now." she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted,
"Danny?
A Thingos Presentation ? Whimsical & Wacky Wits - Compiled for your personal enjoyment by Pat-Compilation Copyright ? wacky wits.com

We thought you said Daddy!"

The Dollar

Verily I say unto ye..........
Money

It can buy a house

But not a home

It can buy a clock

But not time

It can buy you a position

But not respect

It can buy you a bed

But not sleep

It can buy you a book

But not knowledge

It can buy you medicine

But not health

It can buy you blood

But not life

So you see money isn't everything

And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you this because I am your friend

And as your friend I want to

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So
Send me all your money

And I will suffer for you!

Cash only please!

After all, what are friends for, huh??

I HOPE THIS MADE YOU SMILE!!!
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!
MONEY CAN'T BUY GOOFY E-MAILS, EITHER!!
They come from your crazy friends!

Two old ladies....

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Translating

Translating Women's English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

Translating Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then
you'd like to have sex with me

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.

Racial truths

10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people wont admit

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people wont admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
7. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami & Papi cant possibly be the nickname of every person in your
Family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people wont admit

1. O.J. Did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, its a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

Women's Wisdom

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs..

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like..."You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" ......Now... I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen witch.....do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are : eating too much,impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day

Racial Truths

(Something for everybody)

10 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people wont admit

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people wont admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
7. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami & Papi cant possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people wont admit

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth shouldn't be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, its a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

The-Coolest-Toilets

ULTIMATE TRUTH

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~* *~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock!

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success..... ... is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk ..

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the ! desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich..... which never works.

If at first you don't succeed.... Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****

As soon as you mention something... ... if it is good, it is taken.... If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late...... the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen....... If you have a pen, you don't have paper...... if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

All PMT buses are crowded.
Corollary--- -- PMT buses in opposite direction always go empty.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non- smoker ............ ...

n i d o k i d o s

Job Jokes

* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
*
* If you can stay calm, while all around you are in chaos
...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
*
* If at first you don't succeed, try management.
*
* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
*
* TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
*
* We waste time, so you don't have to.
*
* Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
*
* Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
*
* A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
*
* INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
*
* Succeed in spite of management.
*
* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
*
* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

~IdiOt awarDs~

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D I 0 T

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK:
n i d o k i d o s I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile n i d o k i d o s dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Cool designer cakes

What's BEHIND the Bush

Died: Nov 2, 2004
On Election Day 2004 the United States of America was effectively murdered by conservatives who thought starting a Culture War was more important than doing what was right for the country.

Proud to be a Liberal American Liberal has become a dirty word. Why? Because the Left let the right wing conservatives get away with warping it that way. No longer. Take "Liberal" back and give it back its proud heritage!